It's Fall again and I have been loving my walks in the trails watching the leaves turn pretty colours, making homemade apple crumble served warm with vanilla ice cream, and savouring pumpkin spice lattes. September always brings a feeling of vibrant energy, of potentials yet to be discovered. In October, I embrace thanksgiving for the feeling of abundance, of giving thanks for what we already have. The photo above is on my living room wall, a daily reminder that where we choose to focus, whether it is on what is going well in our lives or what is not going well in our lives, will make the difference in whether we are happy or not! 

        I have a daily gratitude practice in the mornings where I think of at least 3 things I was grateful for the prior day. It helps focus my mind on my strengths rather than what is still in development, so I can feel good as I start the day and be less reactive should more challenging or unexpected events arise. During thanksgiving, I like to do a more detailed practice of journalling all the things I am grateful for in life, the goals I have achieved, the people who have helped and taught me the most, the things I am most proud of, positive feedback others have given me about my impact in their lives, and all the things I am able to do and have in my life that make me happy and comfortable.

      It is equally as important to give thanks for people who did not have good intentions towards me, and difficult situations I had to endure. Because of these people and situations I was able to develop my strength, wisdom and resilience. In my experience, it has often been true that what seemed like disadvantages and setbacks really were blessings in disguise. I am thankful for many times I was able to discover someone's true intentions before it was too late, or have plans that did not work out because I did get something better every time. I am thankful for the law of karma, which allows me to live my life in peace when people act with ignorance, malice and no accountability. I marvel at the depth of intelligence and record keeping in the universe, knowing it is not my job to ensure justice is served but rather everyone will get exactly what is coming to them in due time regardless of however much power and privilege they may have.

       If you prefer, you can choose to do this exercise as a conversation with a friend instead of or in addition to the journalling. I also listen to affirmations focused on gratitude and say them out loud; this assists in training my mind to seek the positive rather than the negative.

       I remember seeing a video on social media of a drinking glass with dirt in it. The lady was explaining that the dirt represents the negativity in our lives. She tried removing the dirt herself but it was difficult to remove every speck. Then she poured in water, and easily and effortlessly, all the dirt was completely removed as the dirt was swept up by the water and then poured out, leaving a clean glass. The water represents positivity, with the lesson being that the most effective way to reduce the negativity in our lives is to intentionally incorporate more positivity. Rather than dwelling on what is wrong and giving it more power in your mind, focusing on what is going well will energize and uplift. The ratio of positive to negative things in your life will keep increasing. This does not mean that you suppress negative thoughts and emotions, for you must process them openly in order to heal, but that it does not take over your life with excess attention. 

       I am very thankful to all my clients who allow me to live out my childhood dream of having a private psychotherapy practice, without the need to work for someone else. Engaging in long term psychotherapy as a psychotherapist is one thing that makes me feel alive and that I am living my life on purpose. What are you thankful for this thanksgiving? Let me know in the comments below.

      Here are a few videos that help me feel in the mood of thanksgiving, many of these I listen to on the full moon (there is a full moon tonight).  The fullness of the moon symbolically relates to gratitude and abundance, I use it to let go of who and what no longer serves me and give thanks for the blessings that are in my life and blessings on their way to me to replace what I let go of.  Wishing my readers a happy listening!

            

         I took this picture on a retreat I attended this past weekend. Time spent in nature is healing for the soul. A powerful reminder that our thoughts create our character and our character creates our destiny. Shape your self-talk with self-compassion, positive daily affirmations, self-care, an intention for the day, mindfulness practice, uplifting others and speaking with empathy and clarity. A grateful heart is a magnet for miracles.

      Another year has come and gone, and we are again upon my favourite season, Christmas! I love the beauty and the generosity of spirit characteristic of this time of the year, the countdown to Christmas day, the fabulous food and decorations, and the opportunity to gather with friends and loved ones that we may not see as often during the year. A few weeks ago, I was invited to visit Santa where I had the opportunity to take these beautiful photos. I love the magic and wonder children have when they see jolly old Santa Claus, sharing with him what they would like and the trusting they have that he will bring them what they most desire.

    I hope 2022 has been good to you. For me, it was a year of the unexpected, the type of amazing whirlwind changes that you never see coming but are so grateful for. If 2022 was not so good for you, there is always hope that 2023 will be better. Some years take your breath away and some years you would just as soon forget. We keep learning and trying as best we can to grow and evolve, that is the reason for this human experience. We need the lows to appreciate the highs, the sadness to fully appreciate the happiness, and go through the dark to finally see the light. Some years have tougher lessons than others. Practicing gratitude for it all will go a long way towards transformation.

Regardless of how 2022 has been, remember to always prioritize your well-being and mental health.

Some forms of self-care to practice:

Taking an aromatic bath
Taking time to savour your favourite food and drink
Meet with an old friend for tea and christmas goodies
Breath in the fresh air of winter on a trail
Journal all the people and things that amazed you about this year, and your hopes for what 2023 will bring
Watch a feel good movie at home
Self-massage with scented oils
Listening to a favourite Christmas playlist
Spend more time with your pet
Sleep well, perhaps with the help of a weighted blanket which is known to have a few health benefits
Yoga and meditation
Deep breathing
Affirmations and visualizations
Hot chocolate, a great book, lounge chair and cozy socks or listening to audible and doing yin yoga/ light exercise (my personal favourites:)

Practice effective boundaries at holiday gatherings: share only what you feel comfortable with, and don't feel pressure to answer questions you would rather not. Carefully choose your company and only attend gatherings where when you imagine going, you actually feel good inside. 

Manage your expectations: No one person can fulfill all your needs, even your partner. Take stock of what different people can be relied upon for bringing to the table and let go of the expectation that someone be supportive and available in all the ways you need. For example, a friend can be a great cook or fun to spend time with but not so good at providing comfort or emotional support. Your brother or sister could be really good at remembering special dates and occasions but not be so available when you need help with practical tasks. Your mom may be a great listener and regularly able to give you her full presence but not able to help with your children as often as you need. Your dad may be able to provide you good financial advice and lend/give you money whenever you need but its not as easy for him to appreciate a certain lifestyle choice you have made. Instead of focusing on where people disappoint you, choose to rely on them for things they have been good at in the past and focus on the good they bring to your life. 

​Most importantly: Remember to practice self-compassion. Silence your inner critic, don't give it time and energy. You are enough and will always be enough. Take the time to recharge your batteries so you can be fully present in all that you do. Self-compassion leads to more empathy for others and tends to have a global impact on all your relationships.

Please enjoy 'What Love is All About' by Johnny Reid, one of my favourite songs and a wonderful song to add to your holiday playlist.


      

Author: Farah H, MSW, RSW

  “Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept (Anna Taylor)”. Self-care can be defined in many ways, but in simple textbook definition, it is the act of attending to one’s physical or mental health. There is so much more to this term and definition. In my professional opinion, one’s self care is knowing your boundaries, being reflexive and taking accountability of what is needed to heal. In the context of mental health, self-care becomes a theme that is explored to gather a better sense of what one is doing on their part to aid in their healing.  

     There are simple things we can do in our day-to-day regimen to practice self-care. Some of the more common tasks include, eating a healthy meal, taking a walk, exercising, etc. The more challenging practice of self-care is setting boundaries and being transparent with yourself. Let’s tackle setting boundaries first. A person’s identity is made up of numerous roles, such as, a sister, a daughter, an employee, a student, a peer, a friend, a partner and so on. In these roles, we all operate in a different way and are sometimes forced to not be our true selves. In this case, self-care would look like, being an employee, only within work hours or extending yourself to support your friends and family if you are ABLE and reflecting on when you need time to simply be yourself. This is the more challenging component of self-care, because of the pressure and external factors to commit to taking care of oneself.  
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     In my practice, I empathize with my clients, because at the end of the day, we are all humans who are navigating this world. Our social locations will always be different, but our one commonality, is that we each have our own individual battles and we need boundaries. Having boundaries, is the self-care practice that can allow you to balance the various roles you play in your life and prioritize your well-being. As a Psychotherapist, I can empathize and validate the way you feel, as this is your individual perception and my role, is to understand this. With validation, comes reflection on whether your perception is how others may perceive something, or if your perception is biased for a reason, you may not have acknowledged just yet. This is where my support might be needed. To practice self-care, you must understand your individual circumstance through a non-biased lens. Together, we can identify the areas of your life that would benefit from self-care and develop goals to ensure continuous self-care.  At the end of the day, your progress is determined by your ability to be reflective, accountable and to commit. I am simply here to support you through this journey.  


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         I would say most people entering therapy hope to change things about themselves or the way they see situations in order to feel happier and more productive. But what really causes those inner changes through the therapeutic process? The most important in my opinion is the client's ability to be honest with themselves. The purpose of therapy is not for the therapist to back up all your perceptions of yourself and your relationships, rather it is to identify unconscious patterns that are self-sabotaging and that cause you to find yourself with the same type of problematic relationships and situations repetitively.

    You are the common denominator of all your relationships. The human mind can justify all sorts of things and compose theories to fit the narrative they want to believe. Therapy is a challenge to you to examine and investigate your own thoughts and feelings, to take accountability for situations in your life and to see what role you are playing in sustaining them. It is not the world's responsibility to avoid triggering you, it is your responsibility to empower yourself and work on your triggers so the power to affect your mood does not stay in someone else's hands. You can't change the way other people feel about you or make someone feel or act a certain way towards you. People will form their own judgements as the relationship progresses.

     When you look into the world and think that people always feel a certain way about you, this is very likely something within yourself that you project outwards. A common one is jealousy; sometimes this is used as a defense mechanism by people who are not likeable (believing everyone is jealous of them) so that they do not have to do the inner work to change what it is about themselves that causes people not to want to be friends with them. They may be aggressive, selfish, domineering, or critical, yet think others are are mistreating them when they try to defend themselves. They may enjoy giving other people negative feedback but be unable to receive the same in return. They may have high expectations of other people but not realize that to have these fulfilled they also have to fulfill the other person's expectations of them. As a result they find themselves lonely and isolated, never able to form long-lasting and healthy relationships and justify this by blaming others for being jealous. You can keep blaming other people but at the end of the day there is no one with whom to share an intimate and trusting bond with.

    As a therapist, I can validate the way you feel about something or someone, even if I don't agree with it, because that is the way you feel. However, the objective reality based on facts may be different than what an individual feels and this may be a source of their interpersonal problems. I ensure to point this out these discrepancies as well. Sometimes people will project the same feelings they have with people in their life onto their therapist and these are great learning opportunities to point out self-sabotaging patterns, if the client is open to hearing them. It is not the therapist's responsibility to change you, it is your responsibility to be honest with yourself in order to drive the change you seek. 

        This is the canvas I created last night in a guided painting class. I love how abstract art reveals not only what is on the painter's mind; their emotions and experiences but also what is on the viewer's mind. We had fun interpreting each other's paintings and what certain design choices signified about people's personality and viewpoints. I believe painting can be a wonderful form of self-care. Some psychotherapists use art as a way for their clients who have trouble expressing their emotion verbally, to tell a story on canvas.

      I intended the sun to signify that it rises and sets for everyone, shines upon all of humanity and is a symbol of unconditional love. It provides warmth and comfort regardless of age, background, culture or class. It reminds me of the poem by Hafiz:

"Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.”

      The circles are to show that we are all connected, what happens to one person affects the collective consciousness, and in turn affects us all. I believe that holding good thoughts towards someone you have never met, sending them gratitude for something they gave to you will positively affect them.

      Separation based on borders, languages and demographics are an illusion that perpetuate inequity, power abuses and indifference that leads to one life being valued more than another. The Venn diagram shows that we have our differences but we share things in common, such as the desire to be loved and to love, to be accepted for who we really are, and to be happy. When we focus on what unites us, we view each other as equals. We can work together towards mutually beneficial goals that make all of us winners instead of some gaining at the expense of others.

     We are all threads in the web of life; forever interconnected and interdependent.  All the intentions and actions you send to the world have a reverberating effect that you may not see or understand at the time but will in some way return to you. 

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        Words have so much power. When people feel that you can truly see and hear them, that is where transformation begins. I genuinely believe changing your personal narrative can change your life. Your words may give that gentle encouragement someone needs to keep persevering for a brighter future. Sometimes all you have is hope that things will be better tomorrow.  Societal conditioning suggests that people in disadvantaged positions made a series of bad choices in life which lead them into the circumstances they are in now. However, systemic inequities based on demographics and disabilities are many times beyond the understanding of people who make important decisions in those areas. This usually leads to a lack of empathy, validation and adequate material support within the system that is supposed to be designed to help people who need it. It can lead to feelings of helplessness that keep people trapped in a self-defeating cycle that influences generations.

    I wonder how many choices I would have had if I grew up like someone less privileged; raised in their dysfunctional families, exposed to their adverse life experiences, their toxic or abusive relationships and their lack of money or opportunities? You learn what is normal by observing those around you growing up; the values, thoughts, belief systems and expectations of life are unconsciously adopted regardless of how inefficient or detrimental they are. It may take a long time to replace this with healthier patterns.

     If I catch myself in a moment of judgement, I remember that what appears to be choices are sometimes not really choices. People generally do the best they can with what life gives to them. This passage is a thoughtful reminder to nurture the hopes and dreams of those who are going through times of difficulty. It doesn't matter what happened in the past because it is never too late to change. I will always be grateful to those who saw my potential in my times of testing. They believed in me and who I could become even when very little progress was being made externally. They jolted me out of believing the harsh words of my critics, middle aged people who should have known better but nonetheless were unrelenting in attempting to push me down. The kind words of my supporters still stay with me to this day. With so much harshness in the world, people who feel broken at times in their life need to know that these difficulties  only make their stories more inspiring in the end. 

           I can't believe it has been 22 years since the release of this video! I was in elementary school when it came out and it is as beautiful and inspiring now as it was then. It is so true that you always regret what you didn't do so much more than chances you took that did not work out as intended. At least you can learn from your mistakes. Just like you can't get a job if you don't apply, the universe can't give you something that you don't say out loud and make efforts to achieve. If one door closes, you can be sure that an even bigger, brighter door is waiting for you. You just need to have faith in the time that both doors are closed, that great things are in store for you. Trust in the natural timing of the universe, every step is necessary to take you where you need to go. 

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