Invest in the Right Relationships

Think about who you spend the most time with. Who are these people and how are they influencing you? The people we spend the most time with impact our thoughts, feelings and energy, and shape our life direction. I’ve learned to trust the wisdom of my body when making decisions about people in my life—how do I feel when I leave the interaction? Do I feel joy? Uplifted? Lethargic? Drained? Sad? Resentful? Hopeful? Angry? Inspired? Excited? Loving? Not good enough? The mind can rationalize and justify many things that are said but the body is intuitive; the gut reaction you have towards someone is a very powerful indicator of how the relationship will turn out. I’ve met numerous people who can say all the right things, deliver compliments with false sincerity, make promises with no intent to deliver, and can lie to your face without blinking an eye. When the time for action comes, they will disappear with no accountability or remorse. Such people discard you as soon as you discover their real agenda and/or are of no use to them anymore because they did not genuinely care for you in the first place.

How do you recognize such people early on? I’ve observed that there are behaviours you can look for and the common denominator is respect. People who respect you value your time, energy, skills and personality. If the answer is no to the following questions, it is best to minimize the time spent with that individual, even if they are family or have been in your life for a long time.

• Examine the communication pattern between you. Do you find yourself sending long messages and getting short, vague responses, or do your messages go unanswered? The amount of time spent communicating reveals the value a person has placed in you. People who do not respond to your messages are communicating to you that you are not worthy of a response. It is very disrespectful.
• Do they appear to be interested in maintaining communication with you by scheduling get togethers or phone chats? Or do they only meet you when you invite them? Do they give poor, illogical excuses as to why they can’t meet with you? If someone values you, they will make time in their “busy” schedule to meet with you, regardless of how many responsibilities they have.
• When you explain to the person that what they are saying or doing is having a negative impact on you, do they try to change? Or do they ignore or make light of your concerns? If a person truly loves or values you, they will do their best to reduce the frequency or intensity of behaviours you find upsetting, even if it is difficult for them.
• Do they value your time and skills? For example, are they expecting you to spend hours of time doing a service/ favour for them and offering very little of their time or resources in return? Are they referring people to you for your professional service but suggesting that the person only needs to pay you a fraction of what you would normally charge? Are they wanting you to share professional knowledge with them without adequately compensating you for your time and energy?
• Are you afraid that if you bring up a legitimate concern that the other person will discontinue your relationship? If you fear losing the person by having an honest discussion about something you perceive to be wrong or unfair, the relationship never had a solid enough foundation in the first place.
• Is the person willing to compromise with you on issues you have identified as being important? If they rigidly cling to their views and behaviours and insinuate you are being “crazy” or unreasonable, they do not care enough about what you think of them.
• Do they have a pattern of cancelling plans at the last minute? Or arriving late without notifying you in advance? People who do this are communicating that they value their time more than yours.
• Do they say whatever they want to you under the premise of it being a “joke”? Do they make jokes at your expense in front of others? This is a cowardly way to say things that they are scared to bring up directly and to make you feel that you are being too sensitive if you are rightly offended. People who do this tend to not care about the feelings of others and prioritize their own needs above yours.
• Do they talk to your family and friends about their dissatisfaction with something you did or the issues you are experiencing within your relationship? This is a sign they lack conflict resolution skills. People who respect you will not attempt to negatively bias other people’s opinions of you.
• When other people discuss your accomplishments or favourable traits, do they have nice things to say? Or do they keep silent or even undermine what is being said? People who don’t recognize your accomplishments may undervalue your skills, be secretly jealous of what you have done or simply not care enough about you. Particularly when a parent discusses the accomplishments of their offspring (at any age), I make it a point to express my congratulations, failing to do so is hurtful to both the parent and child.
• In your heart, do you believe that the person would still be nice to you or spend time with you if you weren’t beautiful, wealthy, high status, famous, powerful, generous or a source of income for them (directly or indirectly)? Do they like you for you, or for some external reason? If you are having doubts about this, there is probably a good reason for it.

 
Invest in people who invest in you. People learn how to treat you by the behaviours you tolerate. Setting clear boundaries and communicating what is not acceptable is key to attracting and maintaining healthy relationships. Choose to spend time with people who leave you feeling uplifted, inspired and encouraged. Engage with people who value your personality, strengths and skills, and make you feel optimistic and confident about the future. Avoid people who are harsh, critical and speak negatively. Because if they talk to you about other people in a negative tone, they will have no problem discussing you in a negative tone with others.

If you have people in your life who treat you well even if they know you would forgive them if they didn’t, consider these people as diamonds in the rough. Cultivate self-love by spending time with the right people.